Richard Smolik
I ask myself, “my journey is on it’s thirteenth year now”? Eleven of those years, I’ve been away. When I acquired MMN and symptoms began in 2012 and 2013, I had to quit my job. Socializing, I heard “your arms are getting skinny”. “Your calves, where did they go old man”? “You lost your shooters touch” running hoops. “Must be old age creeping up on you”. I know these comments were innocent, but it affected me mentally. They didn’t know, but I knew and felt, this was just the beginning. So I secluded myself. Crawled into my little shell.
As the years passed without answers to what was causing me to deteriorate, I sank deeper. Doubting my worth. Increased anxiety, stress, and uncertainty. I couldn’t look in the mirror at myself, avoided friends, family and socializing. I fell into deep depression. In 2019, I was ultimately diagnosed correctly with MMN and started IVIG. Gradually, started gaining weight and strength. Gradually coming out of my shell. In 2021 and 2022, I began doing some of the things MMN took away from me, but I still battled with depression. I blamed. I struggled with the loss of eight years of my life. A divorce in 2022, after thirty years of marriage, drew me back into my shell. The following year, I socialized, I golfed several times and did a lotta wonderful things that year. But something was missing.
I masked my depression. I still blamed. I decided to see what “I” could do about this emotion! This disease was traumatic. I realized that these emotions were more powerful than me, and I need help coping. I decided to put my life into “my” hands, not someone else’s hands and get that help. I researched my disease because doctor’s failed to explain to me exactly how MMN worked and finally I understood what was going on inside me and that research led me to the GBS|CIDP Foundation which led me to others to talk with, that understand our disease and are passionate about it. I’m no longer alone in this fight.
Researched counseling and found a good one. A counselor helped me develop a plan to distract me from thinking about the traumatic things that caused my depression. I even seen a psychiatrist several times. The answer to my emotional issues were in “me”, all along. Right in front of me. When people ask me “where have you been Rick”? I’m happy to say, “I’ve been gone, but I’m back now”. I coached an 11–12-year-old baseball team in ’24’. The kids have fun with me because of my clumsiness sometimes, but I inspire them with my efforts. I no longer have physical attributes, but I still have my mind and I’m an exceptional coach, nonetheless.
I’m at peace now. The GBS|CIDP Foundation has been my inspiration in that I’m no longer alone in my journey with MMN. 0.6 in every 100,000 people in this country are afflicted with MMN and I found them. The needle in a hay stack. Depression? Done! I suppose the lesson learned here is the stigma of being the family backbone or the emotional rock must not apply when it comes down to working on YOU. Don’t mask your emotions. After 12 years, I’m at peace.
